Parenting is a very serious responsibility; call it a serious
business. Proper parenting is godly parenting. God has a purpose and plan for
the family. God is sovereign because the book of Genesis, the record of the
beginnings, has it that "In the beginning God..." (Genesis 1:1). This
goes to show that life is all about God. It is clear that apart from God there
is nothing else. No God, no beginning; no God, no creation. It is as simple as
that.
This understanding speaks to the fact that God has sole ownership
(patent) right over man and all creation. Hence God dictates, yes, decrees the
way.
In Genesis 18:17-19, we read the demand of God as he boasts about
his friend Abraham. God was confident that Abraham would be a pace-setter in
children's proper upbringing. God's purpose and plan for the family is that the
name of God be transmitted from the existing generation to all future
generations of each family. This was exactly what God knew that Abraham would
achieve. This is further seen in Deuteronomy 4:9-14 where God charged all
Israeli parents to instruct their children to follow the way of the LORD God.
Note that God spoke about directing children. Yes, that is, directing children
in the way God himself has decreed. Any other way apart from that will produce
a riotous crop of children who will grow up to become all forms of evil doers.
This is mostly what obtains in our world today.
Researchers over time have discovered the most critical period of
a child's life when they can run with whatever they learn at that given period
of their development. This is known as the "formative years,"
referring to age 0 years to 3 years, especially, and up to age 5 years to 10
years, depending on the rate of development of each particular child. At this
period of time, a child forms more than fifty percent of their personality and
character traits. After this period of time in a child's life, nothing can be
done to alter whatever personality or character they have assumed. Even at
times when the person has received conversion experience, it takes the
transforming power of the Holy Spirit to achieve any deviation. At birth, a
child has all it takes to be an adult deposited in them. This is why the
concept of "tabla rasa" canvassed by unregenerate educational
psychologists, that a child's brain is blank, ready to receive only what is
keyed into it by people and environment does not add up at all. This concept of
full potential at birth is corroborated spiritually. Addressing followers of
Christ (2 Peter 1:1-4), the apostle Simon Peter noted that all that spiritually
born persons needed for godly living has been provided at the point of
spiritual birth (at the time of being born again). Hence, like physical, like spiritual:
everything necessary for growth has been deposited in the person at birth.
Development occurs only in the direction of parents, guardians or mentors'
instructions, nurturing and training (parenting). Both physical and spiritual
parents provide resources for learning processes which make for growth through
knowledge. Growth must of course occur in order to sustain life. Without growth
then, life ceases. This is very instructive so that we ought not to be
complacent in learning or helping children to learn and grow. All of life
consists in learning and growing; no more, no less. We are what we know!
Here are take-to-heart and memory nuggets that guarantee your
success in training a child to become responsible and useful, derived from
extensive study and functional experience:
- Give a
child only positive instructions from day one of
birth: Say "do" and not "don't." A child
will not understand "don't" even if they do hear it. All a child
is wired to hear and understand as well as respond to is "do."
Life is all about learning from day one to final day on earth. Whoever
stops learning begins to die. Hence don't assume a child should have
known. You are responsible to teach a child mostly what you want them to
learn in order to become well-behaved and useful. We learn by doing.
- Refrain
from giving a child an instruction you are not prepared to follow
through, that is, insist until they obey. Lovingly insist until a
child learns what you want to teach them. A parent is a teacher, the most
influential one for that matter.
- Never
restrain a child from joining you to carry out a task,
knowing full well they cannot do it. Rather guide the child to engage in
the task until they discover that they cannot carry it out at their
current age. Of course their attention span must have waned at that point
too and they must be itching to get doing something else, especially
joining their playing peers. Praise them and promise them they are growing
up to carry out such tasks very soon. This is how to ensure your child
will not decline assignments when they become of age. This also builds a
curious hope for growth in a child thus reinforcing their proper
development.
- Do not
call a child offensive names or use derogatory
expressions on them. Avoid names like "goat,"
"sheep," "fool," "cry-cry baby," "Mumu,"
"useless," "idiot," "deaf,"
"stubborn," "block-head," "stupid,"
"naughty," name it... A child tends to develop along the line of
the names they hear you call them or how you describe them. This is as
serious as it is equally curious.
- Never,
ever, curse a child. Your word has tremendous
effect. Consider that this whole world came into being just by word. Even
man is inclusive. That time God said, "Let us make man in our own
image," was the time man was created. The forming of the body was
just the end result. Instead, bless a child. Your child is a blessing, an
inheritance, so keep them within blessedness.
- It is
possible not to use a cane on a child in formative
years if you begin from the womb to condition the child for learning obedience
by always giving positive instructions and following them through each
time. The first port of call for a baby is a frown from a parent, followed
by a gentle spank on the back or bonbon of a child, depending on how they
respond to the initial disciplinary gesture. Of course each measure will
go with a positive instruction directing the child to stop the wrong
doing, which must always be followed through as well. A cane can be first
shown a child towards the last stage of formative years (3 years to 5 years
or up to 10 years, for very slow developers), depending on the rate of
development of a particular child.
- Never suspect a
child and never accuse a child falsely, or, if possible, even at all.
Always demand an explanation from a child. And do not punish a child when
they tell you the truth in innocence. A note of warning based on the truth
they told you should be enough to correct a child.
- Never lie to
a child and never accuse a child of telling you lies. Always tell the
truth to a child. Always demand the truth from a child. Truth is a weapon
and not a weakness. Truth saves, it does not jeopardize or kill, in the
long run. Conversely, lie is the native language of the devil, according
to Jesus Christ (John 8:44).
- Teach a
child to keep the peace and not to fight back.
Teach a child justice by directing the child to report offenders to a
superior person. Treat every complaint brought to you justly and ensure
that the offender apologizes to the offended child always and so make
peace between the children involved in the squabble.
- Teach a
child forgiveness instead of revenge or bearing a
grudge. At best, a child could be taught to express pain caused by an
offender and demand an apology from the same offender. A child should be
conditioned to accept apologies like "I'm sorry" or "Please
forgive me." A child should be made to realize that they too are
prone to offend others. That they too would need to apologize and need to
be forgiven.
- Always
answer a child's questions frankly. Apologize if
you do not have a genuine answer to a child's question and endeavor to
find the answer to each question for discussion in the future. Never
dismiss a child's questions with a wave of the hand, claiming to be occupied,
with especially visitors.
- Always
love a child whether they are obedient or not. It depends on
you to teach a child obedience and note that some children inherit bad
character traits from their own parents. Love must be without conditions.
Moreover, never compare your children with themselves or other children. Each
child is unique. God made it so. God is the author of well-known
individual differences and nobody can alter them. Therefore demonstrate
love equally to every child.
- Insist
on obedience to instructions but recognize the reluctance to
obey arising from natural bent. Identify reluctance to
obedience out of a child's self-will and do your best to correct the child
patiently. Be patient with a child that shows
reluctance to obedience arising from natural bent. Note that it takes
conscious, mature will power and conversion as well as transformation
to defeat the natural bent, and the child is yet
within the age of innocence. Do not, however, join the bandwagon of those
who say the child should be left alone. That the child
will learn when they have grown. That has been the cause of the disaster
happening in contemporary society. Nature abhors vacuums, thus, a child
must learn something, right or wrong.
- "Starting
a child off on the way they should go"
(Proverbs 22:6), means that you, as a parent, must be going that same way
yourself, first and foremost. You dare not point a child to go in one
direction while you, yourself, would choose to go in an opposite
direction. Children quickly identify, resent and resist such hypocrisy.
And hypocrites, mind you, are under a curse (Matthew 23:13).
- Teach a
child regularity. Have a time-table of all major
activities, especially chores, in the home.
- Teach a
child to keep everything in its place and have
a place for everything. Furthermore, a child must learn to keep
things in the condition he met them, unless they were wrongly positioned
at first. Example, a child must close a door behind him after opening same
door to access the room or office and vice versa.
- Never
discipline a child in anger. Possible? Yes! It is possible
to confront a child with disciplinary measures but not in anger. You must
learn to control your emotions while confronting a child with discipline.
Otherwise, they will not understand the difference between your rage and
the disciplinary gesture. They would fight you in reaction to your rage if
they were big enough! Meanwhile, they will begin to develop thick skin
against discipline. They will react with anger instead of remorse to angry
discipline. This will show boldly on their own angry faces too. So be careful.
- Always
identify the reason a child cries. Do your best to
remove the cause of the discomfort causing the crying to have your own
peace too. Discomforts are often caused by hunger, thirst, sweating,
dozing for sleep, itching, bowel movements, illness (observe baby's body
temperature for possible fevers), dirty body or clothes, wetness of
diapers, exasperation, negligence etc.
- Love
your spouse deeply enough to help your child
develop to be loving, responsible and useful. Husband and wife are
designed as couples by God the creator. This is captured in the "one
flesh" and "let no man separate" commands by the creator.
None of the spouses should so much as dream to uncouple from the love (one
flesh) bond for any reason, excuse or condition. This is very crucial.
Children are products of love by God's mysterious design. Hence, they form
and flourish within an environment of love. A broken marriage/home is thus
the breeding ground of delinquent children, including terrorists.
- Teach
a child cleanliness, whether cleanliness is next to
godliness or not. God gave Israel detailed regulations for hygiene and
environmental sanitation, apart from the ceremonial laws, (Read the book
of Leviticus). It is well known perhaps that healthy living stems directly
from keeping clean, including always washing hands with soap and water
from a running tap or reservoir. The importance of ordinary soap and water
can never be fully stressed.
- Teach a
child politeness or courtesy. A child's request must be
preceded by "please." Likewise any request granted a child
should be followed by "thank you, I'm grateful." A child should
in turn be taught to demand courtesy from anyone who requests a kind
gesture from them.
- Teach a
child gratitude. A child must be taught to respond to
every kind act with grateful thanks and demand same from others too.
- Represent
God well to a child. You are your child's
"visible God!" Make God happy by directing your children and
household after you to follow the ways of the LORD by obeying all his
commands. Then expect God to bring about all the blessings he promised to
those who like Abraham make God proud of them. God boasted about Abraham
in his time; can he boast about you today?
- Avoid
overprotecting a child and being permissive. You
gain nothing spoiling your child. Pampering is a sure way of spoiling a
child. Treat all children with equal respect and loving discipline.
- Always praise a
child for every positive attempt and achievement. This is quite different
from pampering. Always give a good word to a child. It is a necessary
reinforcement for a child's proper development.
- Teach a
child possession or ownership. Let a child know from
the outset what is provided for them that should belong to them alone.
Teach a child to handle their belongings with care and rapt attention as
well as protect such from aggressors or thieves. Teach a child to respect
other person's belongings. They must seek the permission or cooperation of
others to borrow from them what belongs to the others. They should equally
demand such permission or cooperation from others who would want to borrow
from their own belongings.
- Teach a
child giving or sharing. A child should be guided away
from possessiveness into letting go what belongs to them voluntarily or on
polite requests from others in need. Teach a child to know that some
occasions may demand their forfeiting what belongs to them in order to
help others in need as a matter of sacrifice, or respect for an adult
person. A child could be taught the practice of tithing early enough as a
mark of reverence for God the creator and a practice of worship (tithe
means one-tenth of all the harvest or receipts a person gets over a period
of time, often on yearly basis).
- Teach
a child faith in God Almighty, the creator of all.
Invite the child to investigate the person of God from all the objects of
creation found in their environment. Teach a child the attributes of God
and the need for the child to worship God. Teach a child about God's
loving commandments and promises and their need to obey God's commands.
Tell a child the story of Jesus Christ and other Bible stories and watch
how the God-factor in the human person resonates in the child's little
being. Let a child learn that faith simply means one doing whatever God
says they should do. God said in Deuteronomy chapter six, verses one to
nine to teach the child at every given opportunity and time.
- Teach a
child to pray. Ensure that a child participates in the
family devotions and other times of prayer no matter the short attention
span they display. This means a child may be on and off within the same
period of devotion or prayer. Never mind, and never allow the child to be
totally distracted or constitute a distraction for the rest members of the
family.
- Teach a
child to sing. Music is another phenomenon which
reveals the mystery of the God-factor in man. It is fascinating to note
that a child usually learns to sing and dance before they learn to talk
effectively. The baby's ability to sing, just as their ability to cry, is
one of the marvels of God's power in creation. Sing to the child from day
one and get relief from unreasonable cries of the baby.
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